Rundown (3/29-4/04) Fetal Position

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0 HeroJob You Should Really pay attention to people and not hide in the sink you weird listen out of your bubblrSo, there is very clearly something going on with Zero Escape 3. I did not bring up the countdown website as nothing had happened, but it has recently updated and Kotaro Uchikoshi tweeted out some cryptic numbers, which when gven their letter value turn into FNJANUUVNWXOXDAFXAM and KYVCFEXVJKEZXYKNZCCYRMVREVEU. When put through a Caesar Cipher decryption, which involves the letter value being shifted by a set amount, 17 for the first one, 9 for the second one, you get the messages WE ARE ALL MEN OF OUR WORD and THE LONGEST NIGHT WILL HAVE AN END. You know what that means? Ever 17’s getting a re-release, and the previous two Zero Escape titles are coming to PC along with part 3… I know I got that wrong, but a girl can dream, can’t they?

No? Well, can I apologize about being so bitter towards Final Fantasy XV? Or Final Fantasy X-V as I call it. I watched about two hours of footage from the demo and while I still think that the main characters look way worse than their original designs from way back when, the decision for an all male party of four characters, only one of whom is playable, and that one piece of music applied to so many trailers is nothing short of obnoxious to the point where I do not want to give the game a chance. Anyhow, I regret being so flippant towards the game, as the gameplay and such do look rather enjoyable, and I am sure a PC version with some modding can create an all female party with male voices. Also, this image of thirteen characters is misleading as hell, as I assumed you would get to play as all of them…1 P4G stupid dumb lame idiot why are you doing this no more dim wow

Moving along, way back when during the before times that I have no recollection of, Monster Tale was a game I reviewed, and the late DS title is getting an updated and rebalanced 3DS port. Alright, I thought the game was in need of some improvements, and I see nothing wrong with enhanced ports. Letting people use your old IPs that you will not touch, however, is something I would like for every big game publisher to do, much like Nandoi bomcas is doing… and no, I will not stop using that joke, Bamco Namdais, Bamcai Namdos, Bana Nacodia, Nandai Bamcos, Conadi Maban, Dami Bananoc, and whatever else I can make up from the name Bandai Namcos.2 Mari shut up you sluts silence whoresLet’s move onto something new, a pair of announcements from 5pb., the company whose name looked like four random characters thrown together and when personified looks like a rejected Hatsune Miku friend. Steins;Gate, the only one of their games that has been officially localized, is getting a sequel by the name of… Steins;Gate 0, which will probably not receive the same treatment as it predecessor, and will likely on receive an anime dub, as that is of course happening as well, even though I am sure it will be far worse than the visual novel, which will likely only be on consoles and the Vita, not on PC. Yeah, it’s weird how that works. I mean, Chaos;Child, their most recent release, was a temporary Xbox One exclusive. Although I doubt that would be the case for Anonymous;Code, which is based on a not-too-distant future where the relied upon technology stops working, or something, I don’t know, and won’t know as I will never get to play it unless I learn kanji.3 CDI Japan Being JapanI actually should buy Steins;Gate, but I would prefer to finish the beef I have with Chaos;Head, but getting that game to work properly is something of a chore. Instead, I will likely jump into Neptunia Re;Birth 2, as the closed Beta will begin in a few days. Or I would have if I had been accepted, but apparently there were only a few codes to giveaway, so I will need to wait. Not for long, as the series is successful to the point where Compile Heart is currently hiring for more Neptunia. At this rate, I expect there to be 25 games by the tenth anniversary in 2020… Every one of which will be localized, as it’s not like we’re talking about an obscure niche franchise like Dragon Quest… yeah, that stings a bit, but is true from Square Enix’s perspective. Oh, but do not worry about the console games, as their Mouso title will be localized along with it’s sequel, Dragon Quest Heroes II. Yes, without the first title being even lukewarm SquareEnix felt the need to announce a proper sequel, as opposed to a care filled series of DLC, like Hyrule Warriors.4 Henneko Yeah Cool I'll just be eating this ice cream dawg BRB munching whatever

I do suppose that this may be better to some with terrible internet, and those people probably completely forgot about OnLive, a streaming service I had not heard about in years, and genuinely assumed to be dead. Well, I was close, as Sony will be taking its assets when it shuts down on April 30, 2015. Some may say it was a bit too soon, which I agree with, but I also say that the US internet infrastructure is too shit to allow anything better than HD film streaming, and even then there are massive chunks of the country where even that is very expensive, if not impossible. On the subject of the impossible, Phil Spencer recently claimed that he’d like to see Banjo Kazooie in Smash Bros 4. This is a very strange statement as far as I am concerned, but am all for the character being amongst a cast of Nintendo All-St- wait, they would use that weird looking redesign, wouldn’t they? Yeah, I don’t care anymore. I do admittedly still care about Nintendo, even though I shouldn’t. 5 SF Come ON Are you serious why are you really this apathy cute fart brain poop

I know, I know, they made some of my favorite games of all time, but I feel no love towards the company itself, and would love to see it be destroyed, along with just about… everything except for the twenty things I like. But that’s what Genocider Jay is for, and she’s not coming for a couple of years, making this reference a very premature one for something I may never get to… Anyhow, there was a Nintendo Direct, so here’s a page of comments I had.6 MLM Dead Stare Serious Anger Shame

First off, Amiibos are such a great, wonderful, amazing idea that Nintendo is continuously ruining at every possible turn. First off, they cannot meet the demand of the consumers, when I refuse to believe that they simply cannot have their manufacturing partner ship more out, as people are wasting so many hours hunting for these blasted toys. Just let people order them in bulk from your website, for crying out loud! People don’t care if it takes two weeks to ship as long as they end up getting them! It’s better than going to a GameStop, trying to place a preorder as the store opens, and then realized that before you could even place an order, the Amiibos were sold out thanks to scalpers. I don’t even want to know how terrible it will be finding a blue Yarn Yoshi Amiibo, which I do really want regardless of its functionality, because it is so darn cute!7 Haganai Moe Loli Kawaii Maid Good Cute Sex

Smash Brothers is getting full on DLC, with costume packs, Mewtwo, and the return of Lucas. They are also holding a vote for an additional DLC character, and I know that it will not be Shantae or Bayonetta, who are the only two characters I really want to be included in the game. Mario Maker is a pretty dated idea as far as I am concerned. If Nintendo had quality internet infrastructure for the Wii, I would say it would have been an ideal fit as you have so many unique game design tools that allow for so much more freedom than what looks to be a pretty basic a level maker. Yoshi’s Woolie World, meanwhile, is one of the most beautiful looking games I have ever seen, and I am totally excited to give it a go whenever I get a Wii U. Same with Splatoon, but more in regards to its art direction rather than graphical style, even though I expect to be a bit starved when it comes to content, as I am not touching the multiplayer with a two meter pole. ‘Cos multiplayer is a great way to inspire despair within a Nigma such as myself.8 MLM Other People Don't Matter Antisocial

Throw Fatal Frame 5 on the list, as it is the sort of release I feel I should support, as Nintendo could have just snubbed it and done jack to fill a month with releases. However, keep Pokemon Rumble World off of that list, as it has an Energy Meter mechanic, meaning that GameFreak is probably totally stoked on the creation of a Pokemon game with DeNa, also known as Mr. Mobage. Animal Crossing: Happy Home Designer also looks like a cash in, as it is slicing one aspect of AniCross, the home decoration bit, and selling trading cards for it. Box Boy also is not on the list, as it looks like an iOS title from 2010 that nobody paid attention to. It looks like programmer art, and slow methodical puzzle platformers are far from the hottest genre in my book… of sin and disease.9 SCD Who did that sin awful mean

Oh, but thankfully the good folks at Intelligent Systems brought forth some goodies. Firstly Fire Emblem If… was revealed to be a very big, player character driven title that deals with a pretty sprawling story that is split between three campaigns. Here’s the tricky part. In Japan these campaigns are in the form of two separate versions of the game, with a third campaign being available as DLC. Interesting idea, but thankfully that is likely not the case for the NA and Europa, and the inevitably quality fourteenth installment in the franchise will be released as one title… with a DLC campaign, come 2016.10 Jojo Surprised kitty woah huh what the hell is going on oops trippin' dawg

Also in 2016, Shin Megami Tensei X Fire Emblem! Also known as Illusory Revelations #FE, because Japan. What is the game like? Persona 6… It really does look like Persona 6 with its art direction, modern Tokyo setting, other worldly elements, and even some of the snippets of its gameplay. Does not look much like Fire Emblem, but I really don’t mind. A cool looking high profile JRPG is enough to grab my attention and kick Zelda U off of the top of the hot list… and not just because the main character is a girl, but that helps. “What about Xenoblade Chronicles X?” Didn’t I mention how I would print out a label reading “Manado 2: The Cross Chronicles” and stick it on my Wii U whenever I decide to buy one?11 KLK The Flawless Victory of Masturbation and it came right into your face with the badass badical fuck yeah

Oh yeah, and there were some April Tricks played this year for those who like being disappointed by cool things. There’s a NeoGaf thread for them, which I’ll link to, as I really don’t want to talk about them. I mean, the ones where players get something cool are pretty great, but simply teasing people with something that does not and will not ever exist is a dirt move for anybody who doesn’t look at a calendar, or the corner of their PC.

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