Rundown (6/01-6/08) E3… and Butts… I’m Tired!

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VO Check out my butt in the bathWell, it’s that time of year again, where the sun rises high and slowly creeps over to the other side of the country where magic truly does exist in the form of a corporate PR event that will be jam packed with ice cream pandas and lobster men who will undoubtedly be shot by a bunch of hired apathetic day workers… Sorry, I hit my head again and those words came out. Point it, it is Pre-E3, or Preeee! as one may call it if they started a blog post about video game news by insinuating the sun creates lobster men. And as expected, everybody’s gushing to get their big thing in every lady’s face before the oversaturated extravaganza hits when I’m at work… guess I better get the skeleton ready for me to pin flesh onto it!

Let’s kick things up by saying nice things about Nintendo, whose spring savior Mario Kart 8 managed to sell 1.2 million in the past weekend, which is quite an achievement considering how Nintendo games’ sales tend to have the big picture in mind, and how, despite increasing sales, at least in the UK, by a satanic amount, there aren’t a lot of Wii Us in peoples’ homes, certainly isn’t in mine as I’ve made my system purchase for the year and I decided to get a Vita over a Wii U because I’d only enjoy about three games the blasted system has. I sure as hell can’t have fun with Pikmin, The Wonderful 101, or Mario Kart 8 because I’m too much of an idiot to do not obsess over every aspect and remove the fun part about all of those games. except Mario Kart, that I just don’t like.1KillTime Words cannot describe my levels of peeved I am gonna mess you up jerkass fuckwits

I also do not like the type of games that Mortal Kombat X for cross gen systems, Forza Horizon 2 for both of the Xboxes, another Harvest Moon for the 3DS after some confusion of who owned the IP, Ubisoft’s doing a Gen8 Tetris game… and Crytek’s Gen8 open world magnum opus Homefront: The Revolution, which they could have easily just called something else, but sequels supposedly sell better… Hence why they’re all sequels I am mentioning now because I feel an obligation to. Actually, Crytek announced two games, which is just reminds me of how large the studio known for visuals above all else has become. But they did acquire former Vigil staff, and they’re apparently ready to show their first name… or at least tease it. It goes by Hunt: Horrors of the Gilded Age, which is basically The Grinder: 1886 from what I can tell, meaning I’ll pass. Former Irrational Games’ staff, now Day for Night staff, has also announced a new project, dubbed The Black Glove. What is it? Well, I have zero faith that it will actually be something as it is likely going to be the crowd pleasing of Paper Mario 2 mixed with temporal manipulation and puzzle solving… Yeah, gameplay or it does not exist.2Inside Mari Do not dare lie to me you liar fuck off for fibs you asshole

Why am I so bitter? Because games like that would take years to get right, as people are already needing more than three in order to complete Batman: Arkham Knight, which just got a delay into 2015 after it was announced with a release date. But hey, sometimes delays help in the long run, much like they probably did with Watch Dogs, as it sold 4 million in week one. A number far higher than what Capcom’s recently announced port of Dead Rising 3 to PC and localization of Ace Attorney Trilogy for the 3DS, which I accidentally misread as being for the PC, the ideal platform for visual novels in my mind. Something XSEED apparently believes to a certain degree as they are bringing Corpse Party back to its roots while also announcing their devotion to PSP titles and cooking rhythm games with big breasts. God I love those wacky space diggers… Where my PC Trails in the Sky at though? I don’t care if it is super hard to port, just get good guys, get good and give it to me in a few weeks.

3Crime Edge Header Material Trust me dude this is great

What I will get to play in a few weeks, but won’t as I have no… actually I’ll have a good amount of spending money then, is WayForward’s Transformer turn based strategy title… based on the new movie-tie-in games. Still, this is good enough for me to get excited as hearing the phrase: “WayForward Transformers RPG” gave me a massive number of goosebumps. Much like the ones that burst open, causing my blood to come gushing out of my front door… or was it spunk? Anyhow, Mega evolutions for Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire were revealed, and they look awesome, along with the redesigned Teams, and the new player characters who will ultimately be customizable, so why complain? I could say the same thing about there being no news of Final Fantasy XV and Kingdom Hearts III coming from E3, but it is better than the game being cancelled, which unfortunately is very likely the state of The Last Guardian– nope, IGN actually lied, as it was later confirmed to be complete and utter 100% confirmed horseshit.4MLM Rooster God Kill Your Friends

Good night peoples, I am going to get even more prepared for E3 before I am truly ready to lose myself.

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