Rundown (4/05-4/11) High Impact Sexual Violence: Gooey Edition

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0 PM whoops my bad sorry mistook you for someone else wrong person next after you dead dying die deathSo, this week I tried Killer Is Dead, and it made me realize that I simply cannot play Character Action Games that implement a grading system, meaning most of them, as if you get anything beneath the highest score, well, you are just fucking up. But not just playing the game, oh no, you are going against the developer’s intentions and are objectively playing the game wrong, and by extension you are ruining an experience by being too shit to handle a challenge that the title very clearly stats should be no problem for normal people. I honestly don’t know if I hate it more than a lives base system, as that method is a vile outdated archaic disgusting loathsome evil punishment based system that was implemented in order to inspire mastery artificially increase game length. But if you dare waste a resource as precious as life, you probably don’t deserve to have your own, you miserable little sack of maggot infested cum, mixed with urine, STD infested blood, Ebola, and bug shit

Lately I’ve been surprised by the lack of news surrounding Crytek. Not because I care much about them, but rather because I am surprised they are still alive. Okay, Crytek UK died a while ago and I did not notice, but I blame the media for my ignorance, as nobody was talking about it. But the reason why they are not fully dead is that Amazon signed some deals with them, for somewhere between fifty and seventy million, which is about as much as the company dumped into Crysis 3, which I don’t think it made back. It may have in the end, but I’m guessing the numbers are pretty close regardless. But I’m sure that the free-to-play Hunt: Horrors of the Gilded Age will get them back on track…1 P4G This is not subtle secret hidden obvious thing it is a sub-buttle and we should laugh at the retarded boy for being what we expected fuck the world America this is the future hail nippon's

Level 5, meanwhile, surprisingly has everything but their localization department under control, as they just held an event where they finally announced that Yo-kai Watch is heading to the west… in 2016. Seriously, what is this malarkey? I know it took Pokemon three years to hit the US, but this is just sloppy from all parties involved. Heck, in Japan they are getting Yo-Kai Watch 3, which is set in the US, but will hit Japan before the first game comes out in the US. Although, to be fair, they are also doing a spin-off game about Romancing the Three Kingdoms, so I’m guessing nobody wanted to pitch the title to the CEO, who would laugh in their face and then send them into the mobile game hell. Where they would work on the uninteresting looking Layton 7, and the town building Fantasy Life 2. Also, remember that Wonder Flick thing from a year ago that is not even out yet? Yeah, Level 5 is doing something similar to it by the name of Snack World… Neither of those will ever leave Japan, will they?2 Crime Edge No Stop it this is the rape you fuckers no mas senor

On the subject of expanding past borders, Square Enix made an uh-oh in their pants and leaked out the new Deus Ex, Mankind Divided, which they later properly announced with a rather spiffy trailer. The game will be a sequel to Human Revolution, with Adam Jensen returning as the protagonist. Now, I was initially very excited about Human Revolution, but after trying to start a third playthrough, I realized just how little I cared about its world, and how little I cared for the gameplay. Neither of which are bad, it’s just that I cannot remember diary entries and I lost interest in a story whenever the game is all about metagame management, with my inventory being organized to maximize profit, and my playthrough being designed around nonlethal pure stealth, even if my methods involved every guard being knocked out.3 PM dead death impale done out not surviving that shit dude fuck off zombonie

So, yeah, I will just classify that breed of stealth game in my not interested pile, which happens to include games such as Five Nights as Freddy’s. I have nothing against them and would compliment the creator on a job well done with making a trilogy of games that managed to be economically made, and deliver a unique experience with improvements and tweaks added in each subsequent title. Well, it was popular enough for a film to be announced anyways, which I actually think sounds rather fitting. Now the question is whether or not it will get off the ground fast enough for people to care…4 P4G Society is full of ADD cannot pay attention next new trend popular latest next generation video games

Oh, and based on the most recent trailer for the Project Spark Conker game, I see no reason for anybody to care for this attempted revival. It seems to be completely devoid of the crass humor of the original, in addition to being a lifeless looking action platformer that relies on nostalgia rather than introducing anything new. Heck, even stuff like the basically confirmed Uncharted Trilogy Remaster should offer some improvements over the original, and by extension add something good. While Lego Dimensions will probably be pretty alright, but I can’t help but question whether or not Lego Skylanders are a very good idea. I mean, you can display Skylanders and Amiibos just fine, but if I saw somebody display Lego figures, unless the intention is to show 50+ of them, I’d assume something to be amiss. Heck, build a Lego set instead…5 Watamote Calm In the Troilet Room Play time

Oh, and Capcom announced a new 3DS based Monster Hunter title, Monster Hunter Stories, but it was with a CG trailer that revealed two things. Beast riding and a heavier emphasis on RPG elements, whatever that means in this day and age. It’s set for a Japanese release date of 2015, and will probably hit the US pretty soon afterwards as there was a Monster Hunter themed Six Flag attraction. I’d be a bit interested, but if anything this title just reminded me that the 3DS will still be Nintendo’s main handheld until 2018, which is just ‘peachy’. 6 Mari masturbate jerk off what the actual fuck

Yes, I will masturbate onto Nintendo’s ashes and show the gooey remains in my asshole.

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