Rundown (6/14) E3 2015: Solid Fap Interactive Softworks

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0 Gross
You are an ignorant fool if you deny the inherent sexiness of a lizard!

I really do love E3 as an event. Well, not in regards to actually going there, as it’s an awful physical place that is hot, loud, smells like an armpit, and is so chaotic in its construction that it is hard for anybody to get anything done. The actual press conferences are speeches to investors, casual observers, and the gaming community at large that often stir up disappointment and mockery while stirring up the needless hype the industry is built upon, but there is pretty much always something wonderful and worth talking about hidden beyond the bullcrap. It’s kinda shitty when you get down to it, but it is so much fun to follow, especially when taking it all in with friends, or with an eye on your Twitter feed.

Disclaimer: For my coverage of E3 2015, I chose to use captioned CGs from a series of Eroge (pornographic games) developed by the companies Crowd and Bishop. I in no way support these titles, I dislike pornographic material in general, but I do like some of the non-pornographic art included in these titles, and thought this would be a fun little gimmick.

To kick off day negative one of E3 2015, Nintendo held a bite-sized Smash Brothers event early in the day, announcing Ryu and Roy formally, some N64 stages that will act as DLC, and a couple Mii costumes, including ones for Tekken, Splatoon, and Virtua Fighter. Ryu will more or less be the most complicated fighter in Smash history in regards to move inputs, and the Wii U version will also get direct YouTube uploads. All of this was revealed to be available right after the digital event, which is my favorite kind of announcement. However, I really do hope that Nintendo looks into having complete DLC packages for all of their games, and can just buy everything that was shown here for every platform for, I don’t know, fifteen to twenty dollars?

1 Seriously
You seriously think Nintendo would be that reasonable? Pfft, where have you been the past decade?

Yeah, I know. Hell, I groaned at the sight of new Amiibos, more of which were leaked shortly after the Smash event. But shortly after that, the Nintendo World Championships 2015 began. The event itself was underwhelming at points, a bit embarrassing at others, but it was a fun, good natured competition that ended with a marketing ploy for Super Mario Maker, and my goodness did they make the game look amazing. I personally do not really care for 2D Mario, I did not grow up with the games, but they clearly went all in on this title. However, they also had a few reveals for this event, namely that of Earthbound Beginnings, also known as Mother 1 or Earthbound Zero… you now, the not-so-good one of the three, and BlastBall. BlastBall looks like a 3DS tech demo of sorts, or a bonus mode for another game, or an $8 eShop title. It is three on three mech based soccer wherein you shoot at a big ball, but it is ultimately forgettable, and lacks the level of creativity I have come to expect from Nintendo. Oh well, everybody forgot about that after watching John Numbers prove himself as the Mario champion and get a trophy in addition to meeting Miyamoto.

2 Please
You guys really did a good job here, please make this an annual thing, but perhaps distance itself from E3, okay? Thanks bunches!

About half an hour afterwards, just long enough to get dinner and a shower, Bethesda began their first E3 conference, and it naturally began with the Doom reboot, entitled… Doom. Doom was the carrot dangled over people’s heads for years, and actually seeing it in action was a bit underwhelming for me. I thought it that the game would be utterly absurd and ridiculous. Featuring blood gushing out of every enemy as limbs flew off, big stupid weapons that are given a lavish amount of detail, and gratuitos heavy metal raging in the background while you walk through areas resembling, well, metal album covers. I basically want it to be what was shown mixed with Ninja Theory’s Devil May Cry. I mean, both hell and the space station look forgettable, and you are a generic faceless space marine with a boring minimalistic HUD. I’m sure the guns will feel great, the multiplayer and its customization options will make people very happy, but I am a bit disappointed. Granted, I never played the original Doom, so I may be basing my expectations on false ideals.

3 Slap
How dare you be so insulate, come and agree with the commonwealth and praise this title you foul worm! strikes me as something that will likely cause a lot of contraversy in a few months, as it will resemble DRM and may cause the paid mods to come back in the future, but it was such a passing note that I have no clue what will become of it. I also have no clue if BattleCry will be successful or not, just that it is a… MOBA, maybe, that looks very disjointed with its visuals. A lot of stylization is at place, but the animations and blood effects make the game look very tacky and incomplete. After some mild E3 awkwardness, Dishonored 2 was finally revealed. Its CD trailer looked enticing and really capitalized on the series’ lovely art direction, but for as good and interesting as newly added mechanics and such look, as long as it is a first person Stealth title, I know that I would not have a good time with it… Which makes me ever so sad, especially because of how awesome the female protagonist looks.

4 Ass
Simply having a female protagonist does increase my interest in your game, but sadly doing nonlethal runs in these types of games does diminish my enjoyment of them severely.

Dishonored: Definitive Edition is also coming to Gen8 consoles this fall, which people have expected for a while now. I may pick it up if I feel guilty about myself, but I doubt I will be able to feel anything for it. Yes, my apathy knows no bounds, as it has began viewing any generic fantasy environment that take itself very straight faced and seriously as uninteresting. Plus, The Elder Scrolls Online is an MMO, and MMOs are pretty terrible in most cases. While collectible card games like The Elder Scrolls Legacy are so far out of my fieldhouse that I would not be able to judge them on any level.

5 Trash
I still don’t get what people see in this stuff, but more power to them… or something.

Oh well, at least the conference ended with Fallout 4, which, on one hand, looks great. The setting and overall user interface, the locations, the city building, and the general customization all look like they will add to a very fun experience. However, there are some red flags I picked up on in the form of a fully voiced character, a heterosexual relationship, and the more… Mass Effect-esc nature to interactions. There’s also a second screen experience that is being cute in its imitation of a Pipboy, but as far as I am concerned the game will not come out until long after its release date of November eleventh, 2015, as mods will enhance that game significantly. And unlike my time with Skyrim, I will try and actually make use of them properly.

5 Tehe
It’s a cute gesture, but you have a history of buggy launches, and I feel I can be an adult and wait to play this game until I am 23, hopefully have my degree, and have underwent HRT for over two years…

But for right now, Bethesda released a base building Fallout title, Fallout Shelter, which looks pretty fair and devoid of villainy, but I am not very trustworthy of corporations. Yes, it is a nice gesture to give everybody toys at the end of the showcase, but Microsoft gave away Xbox 360s that one year. Anyhow, that’s about it for me, good night internets!6 Nap

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