Fan Fiction Funsies: Pokémon Mystery Dungeon – Rescue Team HOT MILK

That Time I Hacked Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Rescue Team DX and Got Isekai’d Into the World of Pokémon and Now I’m Trapped in an Existential Nightmare

The following is a fan-fiction parody. Pokémon Mystery Dungeon and Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Rescue Team DX are owned by The Pokémon Company International, Spike Chunsoft, and Nintendo. Please support the official release. This work contains strong language, sexually explicit content, and is not appropriate for minors. Reader discretion is advised.

エフ³ : 二次創造の楽しみ
Efu Efu Efu: Fan Fiction Funsies
Pokémon Mystery Dungeon – Rescue Team HOT MILK

The sun rose valiantly upon the world of Pokémon, its denizens graced by the call of a new day as the Air Continent became illuminated once more. All across the lands, Pokémon began to pitter-patter and resume their lives after a fortunately peaceful respite. Whereas days were once hard and fraught with both turmoil and disaster, such strife had been relegated to the annals of history. Hundreds of days have passed since the end of such troubles. Since a hero from another world had traveled to this land, became a Pokémon themselves, and rallied up a team of ambitious allies with the sole objective of bringing prosperity to the world at large.

That was the story of rescue team HOT MILK, a group led by a Gardevoir and a Mudkip, who, through determination and skill, felled even Pokémon of legend, conquered the most perilous of dungeons, and have risen beyond the ranks of any rescue team in history. While any other team would simply rest on such accolades to enjoy a modest existence or that of luxury, they still rose up every morning and left their base in Pokémon Square out before the sun was high. Always eager to explore, to rescue, and to recruit new members. Their power and resourcefulness go without question, and their success rate is immaculate. They are truly an ideal beyond the idyllic, and this is a story of just one of their many adventures, a day in the lives of its leaders.

At the edge of Pokémon Square stood the base of HOT MILK, a humble home designed around its co-founder, Kippy-kun the Mudkip. Its blue color, surrounding moat, and large fin shooting up above the roof gave the structure a very odd appearance, especially when viewed next to its neighbors, but that never dissuaded or affected the reputation of the team. If anything, it was merely a piece of iconography, a symbol that furthered their widespread renown.

In this dwelling laid a single individual, a Gardevoir, wearing a purple bandana around her neck, laying on the cold wet floor, her arms and legs sprawled out as a soft moaning escaped her lips. Her pale face was colored a soft pink, her head was moistened by sweat, and her eyes glowed almost as brightly as the sunlight peering in through the opened windows. To a casual observer, it looked as if she were locked in battle or perhaps undergoing a training exercise to further her already immense power… while laying on the floor. But beyond the hem of her skirt, and located between her legs, it became clear that she was not training at all. Instead, she was masturbating.

A long yet narrow wooden apparatus was lodged into her bodily orifice, a hole, a cloaca typically used only for the expelling of wastes and feces, yet as Gee-Gee had discovered, it was also an erogenous zone, one that she could stimulate herself. Through experimentation and boredom, Gee-Gee crafted a tool to aid her in stimulating it, using her psychic abilities to thrust it deeper and more intensely than she could with her dainty arms. All as she hummed and strummed along with the music playing in the background, the theme of Pokémon Square.

“♫Ba-duh-duh-do-do-dee-do!♫” She sang along in a soft and motherly voice.

The sensation writhed throughout her humanoid form, but not being satisfied with merely a hole being stimulated, she began to caress her horn, the protrusion expanding from her chest, massaging it, adding further stimulation with each stroke. Her psychic mind became foggy as the stimulation overwhelmed her person, allowing her to detach from this world and her situation. She remained in this ethereal happy place as her body became intoxicated from pleasure, only for her to be thrust back into reality as her body’s limits were reached, as represented with the explosive secretion of a sticky semi-transparent liquid.

Gee-Gee’s concentration diminished as this happened, and her stimulating toy fell to the ground, dripping with her bodily juices. She wasted little time bringing a hand to snag the wooden tool, and once it was fully gripped, she sniffed it in detail, shivering as her body registered the aroma, before taking the moistened tip of the wooden item to her face, lapping up every drop as it danced across her taste buds, and provided her with another form of satisfaction.

“I still don’t get how or why this shaz tastes like pickles, but it does, and that’s pretty aight,” Gee-Gee said before letting out a small belch.

With her bout of morning masturbation behind her, Gee-Gee lobbed the sullied cloaca stimulator into one of the pools of water strewn throughout the rescue team base, stood up, and made her way beyond the door. As the morning sun hit her face, the sight of greenery encapsulated her vision, and the bustling theme grew even louder.

“I think it might be time to mute the BGM again,” Gee-Gee mused.

Yet such plans were soon interrupted as a small blue mudfish creature came scurrying up to Gee-Gee, bearing a bright smile on their face. They were Kippy-kun the Mudkip, who wore both a red bandana tied around his neck and a pair of X-Ray Specs on his face.

“Goody-goody morny-morny, Gee-Gee!” Kippy-kun shouted in a childish voice while looking up at his taller friend.

“They’re all good morning Kipz. What’s on the old agenda for today?”

“The same thing we do every day, Gee-Gee!”

“Delve into the dark dreary dank dens of danger-some dirt-bags, scavenge what we can fit in our lunchbox, save some RNG’d fools, and get paid?”

“Hehehe! Yeah! …I think so anyways. It’s hard for me to understand you sometimes Gee-Gee.”

“It’s cool, I do it intentionally,” Gee-Gee admitted with a smirk. “Life’s a lot like liver. You gotta douse it with spice if you want to feel good about eating it.”

“Gee-Gee, what’s a liver?”

“It is an organ that humans and a buncha animals have to help remove toxins from their body when they digest food.”

“Wow! …I don’t even know what organs I have. Do I have a liver?”

“Eh, maybe. You’re a Pokémon, so you can heal just about any wound by eating fruit, taking a nap, or heading down to a Center.”

“A Center is where Pokémon fight, right?”

“Nah, that’s a gym. The Center is the magical place where you’re shoved into a ball and maybe digitized. …Yeah, I don’t pretend to understand it either. Regardless, we oughta do the rounds and get on with our day.”

“Sounds good-er than a good-some goodie! Let’s-a-go-go!”

As Kippy-kun made that declaration, he began scampering off into town, leaving Gee-Gee to follow behind her companion. Upon pitter-pattering across a bridge, the duo arrived at the humble shop of the Kecleon brothers, one green and one purple. They looked at the pair with wide smiles before offering them a hearty introduction.

“Welcome to our shop!” They said in unison.

“Hey buds,” Gee-Gee said with half-opened eyes. “I’ve got a couple of ribbons to sell. Lemme sort through them and give me the deets. Whatcha got today? You know the usual.”

“Hm? The usual?” The green Kecleon repeated, his face twisted.

“Apples, berries, tiny reviver seeds, invitations. Just search through your inventories and prepare them for me. I’ll buy them. I gotta spend all this Poké on something.”

“Oh, and what of me, Gee-Gee?” The purple Kecleon asked eagerly.

“Dude. For the last time, I have like 5 spare TMs for every TM. I am good. Ich bin gut! Je vais bien! Soy buena! Watashi wa genki desu! …I have zero clue how I even remember like half of those.”

“Gee-Gee, you say the darndest things, you know that?” Kippy-kun said with a shimmering smile.

“She sure does,” Green Kecleon replied. “Also, we have two apples, one big apple, one pecha berry, and one tiny reviver seed.”

Through a flick of her wrist, Gee-Gee transferred the funds over to the Kecleon brothers, the items appeared into her inventory, and the gold ribbons vanished. Throughout this abstracted process, Gee-Gee was not actually carrying the toolbox, or truly had the coin on her person. She just had these things when she needed them, and when she found items or coins, they would automatically populate into these places.

Once the transaction was complete, Gee-Gee left the first shop in the square and headed to the Felicity Bank run by a kindly Persian, who reliably hoarded and preserved their finances since the rescue team was established. He looked at the two with widened eyes, rising up from the floor to do business and increase his collection of coins.

“Why, hello there my favorite customers. Would you like to deposit or withdraw?” Persian said in a mellow tone.

“I have 20,657 Poké to deposit. By the way, what’s my balance like?” Gee-Gee asked before letting out a yawn.

“Your account currently contains 972,583 Poké. Thank you for your services.”

“Yeah, yeah, but… you know, you can just keep the money. I literally have no use for it.”

“Bah! What do you take me for? I am a banker, not some petty thief.”

“It isn’t really theft if we are giving it to you, Persian,” Gee-Gee said with a glare.

“It is the principle of it all!” Persian shouted, slamming their paws on the counter. “Would it look good on my establishment if I were to accept donations from those whose money I store? I think not.”

“I could point out how your establishment is just a stall and a house where you keep coins in, but whatever. See ya later, gold digger neko-chan.”

The leaders of HOT MILK then moseyed their way across the Square and around the wandering Lombre, Bellsprout, and Granbull, arriving at the storage center of Kangaskhan.

“Hello dear. Can I help you with anything?” Kangaskhan asked while offering a friendly wave.

“Yeah, lemme just deposit everything I have, then I’ll withdraw what I need. Sound good?” Gee-Gee said while staring off into space.

“But of course sweetie.”

Gee-Gee then proceeded to pull a plastic box the size of their head from the side of their limber waist, only to plop off the top and dump the contents onto the floor of Kangaskhan Storage, where they disappeared into the ether.

“God I love how that just works,” Gee-Gee whispered to herself.

“What would you like to take out?” Kangaskhan questioned, unperturbed by Gee-Gee’s action.

“Just the ushe.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t have any ‘ushe’ in my storage.”

“Ugh…” Gee-Gee groaned as a hand crawled across her face. “Gimme 3 apples, 3 oran berries, 3 tiny reviver seeds, a friend bow, an invitation, and an escape orb. That should be enough to get through anything.”

“Indeed! Here you go, darling.”

“Thank you, momma Kanga!” Kippy-kun said, peering over the counter. “We’re going out on an adventure, but we’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Be careful out there you two. I know you’re strong, but you never know what you’ll run into when exploring.”

“Yeah, yeah, we know, bye!” Gee-Gee said while walking away.

The pair then returned to the western end of the Square, passing by the storefront of Wigglytuff, who looked at the two longingly.

“Yo, word up Wiggs! Ya got any more camps for me to send my homies too?”

“Huh. No Gee-Gee. I don’t have any more camps to sell. You bought every last one of them.” Wiggleytuff said in a squeaky voice.

“Then why are you still here, in the Square, acting like you’re selling something?”

“…I don’t know.” Wigglytuff replied, looking down at the ground dejected.

“Well, I think I know why you’re here. Because you have nothing else. Beyond your role as a shopkeep, you lack a purpose in this world! You have no dreams! No duty! No desire! There is a whole world to explore, to make your own, but you do nothing. Your fate was assigned to you, and rather than deny it, you’ve accepted it! You committed yourself to this meager, pointless, outdated existence! You lack the drive to ever change that, to ever make yourself more!”

“Heh… I guess you’re right!” Wigglytuff said with a bright smile on their face.

“Gee-Gee, why are you so mean to them?” Kippy-kun asked, tilting his head.

“Because I feel like it, Kip-meister!” Ge-Ge shouted. “Because I gosh darn feel like it! And if I could, I would Psychic this Mama Jama right in their big cute face. But I can’t! I can’t attack anybody because of the programmers! Because of Spike Chunsoft! Because I’m in the town zone!”

A sullen look appeared on Gee-Gee’s face as they recognized what they had said, leading them to release a sigh before turning their head back to their Mudkip companion.

“I probably told you all this before, Kip. But as the days go on and on, I forget. I forget… a lot… Let’s just check the board and get exploring, okay?”

“Okie-Dokie!” Kippy-kun said, unphased by Gee-Gee’s morbid comment.

Following this encounter, the two made their way to the exterior of the Pelipper post office, home of the bulletin board. Despite it having been hundreds of days since the end of natural disasters, the board was still home to eight new requests on a daily basis, with seemingly random Pokémon falling into seemingly random predicaments in seemingly random locations. It was an oddity that had not gone unnoticed by Gee-Gee, who looked through the list of eight new requests within a matter of seconds, accepting half of them by looking over them and exerting her will.

Following her procedural acceptance, Gee-Gee casually made her way over to the family of a Diglett and Dugtrio, who spent the bulk of their days at the cliff overlooking the expansive sea. Bur rather than speak to either of them, Gee-Gee instead merely looked at the small Diglett before using the cheery child as a stool, plopping her posterior onto his head and letting her skirt ruffle his large red nose.

After adjusting herself slightly, Gee-Gee shut her eyes, accessed a menu, and began skimming through the quests in her mind’s eye, flicking a finger up, down, and all around as she determined which of the 42 accrued quests she would embark on. And with six quests relating to a single locale, the choice was obvious.

“Stone Cavern it is!”

As Gee-Gee made this declaration, she grabbed Kippy-kun by the tail and dove into the shortcut hole, leaving Diglett and Dugtrio as they were, still looking out into the sea.

“Papa,” the Diglett child said in a saccharine voice, “do you ever think that our lives have any purpose?”

“What makes you say that, son?” Dugtrio replied, hiding his concern behind an air of machismo.

“It’s just that… every day we sit in the same spot and do the same thing. And none of it is really productive. We aren’t helping people, we aren’t exploring, we are just… here.”

“There is no calling for us. When the world asks for our aid, we shall be there.”

“But what if it never asks for us? What if the world does not need us? What if the world… What even is the world? I… I have a lot of time to think when I’m here with you, and the only Pokémon who ever seems to do anything is Gee-Gee and Kippy-kun. They save Pokémon, but Pokémon always need saving, the board is always filled. It all feels so familiar, like everything is repeating itself, and I… I don’t know what the words are for what I am feeling, but… something is missing. Something is wrong.”

“Son, I… don’t know what you’re feeling, or why you’re feeling that way. But if your head is full of ideas and concepts that are making you scared, causing you to worry… maybe it’d be best to try and ignore them. Just find something you enjoy and… focus on that. How’s that sound?”

“…I guess I can give that a try. I mean, I can’t really do something about it. If I truly am trapped in a cruel existence bereft of control or agency, it would be best to go with the flow. …Thanks papa.”

“Not a problem, son. Not a problem.”

As the parent and child concluded their conversation, Gee-Gee and Kippy-kun both hopped out of the hole, landing right outside their base of operations.

“Ugh, those dirt boys just had a cutscene didn’t they? Ah well. Nice to see them developing some self-awareness or whatever you could generously call it. That might be a way to break the game… but I suppose then I would also be killing myself. For what am I other than a series of binary, a mere copy of a human being, a digitized equivalent of a person, confined to a computer, an emulator, a modded version of a product for children. And once the world becomes sufficiently corrupted, will my other self be able to restore me? Can I truly ever escape my isekai? I suspect that the answer to these questions is no.”

“Gee-Gee, why does your talking sometimes make my head hurt so much?” Kippy-kun asked, trying to bring a limb to their head. “Is it because you’re a psychic type?”

“Yeah, sure, why not. Anyways, let’s get somebody to help us with our dungeon raid. We’d be gravy on our own, but adventures are more fun with friends.”

“Yay! I love friends!”

Upon setting yet another destination as their objective, the psychic fairy lady and her fish-boy friend ventured away from the Square and into the surrounding areas. A cluster of absurdly diverse biomes that spanned everything from frigid ice lands, rich forests, tropical beaches, and mountainous domains that serves as the resting ground for creatures of divine power whose mere existence is often so frightening that many consider them to be mere legends. Yet, instead of requesting the aid of a foreign being forged from star matter who can reshape reality, they instead ventured to Withering Desert. A landmass of billowing sand that stretched on and even manifested itself into waterfall-like feats of nature. However, Gee-Gee did not so much as glance at these sights before craning her head up to the clear blue sky, where she spied her target.

“Yo! Mixter Flare!” Gee-Gee shouted at the sky. “We’re going spelunking! Get your keitzer down here!”

Following Gee-Gee’s request, the Pokémon flying high in the sky swooped down before the team, flapping its wings with glee while revealing themselves to be the mystic desert dweller who looks like a bug but isn’t, a Flygon with the perplexing name of… Mixter Flare

“Cool like beans!” Mixter Flare said in a raspy voice. “It’s been a while since we last did something together. Where are we heading today?”

“Does it really even matter?” Gee-Gee replied with cold indifference.

“We’re going to Southern Cavern,” Kippy-kun proclaimed.

“Oh boy! That’s where Vibrava came from!”

“Was it?” Gee-Gee asked, squinting their eyes. “Well, anyway, let me just add you to the party, get everything set, and—”

As Gee-Gee made preparations for their trip, the world around them cut to black as the three appeared in a new location. A towering landmass of gray stone, flat walls, cramped tunnels, and rectangular rooms. It was a cold, damp, and even as Gee-Gee, Kippy-kun and Mixter Flare all stood valiantly at the base of this mountain, they could tell the air here was notably thinner. Gee-Gee paused as she surveyed this environment by looking at the map elements in the corner of her vision.

“Auto mode engage,” she said with a voice devoid of enthusiasm.

From uttering those words, Gee-Gee’s body began to move on its own, her thin legs rapidly skirting across the stony floor as the world around her accelerated, with her allies following behind her, matching their pace evenly, and remaining in-line as they traversed these caverns with the utmost efficiency, heading up the stairs while grabbing whatever stray items they encountered in their search. It was a routine process that was only broken up by Gee-Gee mumbling the words to 1992’s Bizarre Ride II The Pharcyde, fulfilling the procedurally generated rescue requests she previously accepted by approaching Pokémon with a unique highlight beneath their feet, and periodic battles against wandering enemy Pokémon.

Creatures whose sole objectives were to wander— to patrol the corridors, and attack all foreign entities who dared enter it while caring not for their own wellbeing. At a point in time, Gee-Gee would pontificate and wonder about what these creatures, ones who only appeared to gain some degree of self-actualization once they were defeated, once they had joined her merry crew, but now she saw them as mere obstacles. Subroutines, constructs of recycled assets, and entities that existed only for her to make her numbers incrementally larger. Whether that be in the form of move power, EXP, or her collection. It all came back to the numbers, the growth of metrics, and things to fuel her with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. But that was not what she desired at this point.

“If I don’t encounter a shiny Shuckle here, I’m gonna be plump ripe, I’ll tell you what for.” Gee-Gee mused as her body moved on its own.

“Oh, is this another one of those shiny hunts you told me about?” Kippy-kun asked as they used ice beam on a Graveler.

“Again, Kippy-kun, we have recruited the gods, the divine, we have all the Pokémon in the world… or at least in this game, under our banner. I am a level 100 master, most of my stats are pushing beyond 200, my HP is at 525, our attacks all heavily buffed and resting at a respectable level VII each. I want naught for new Pokémon, nor for power. I only want shinies, because I have literally everything else in this gosh forsaken thing!”

“But why do you even want shiny Pokémon?” Mixter Flare replied, fluttering behind the two.

“Because there is nothing else to do here. I could just screw around and just chat with everybody, but there is nothing for me to gain by being around you all the time. Because despite your guise of artificial intelligence and your ability to formulate and craft unique responses to my words, you are unable to break away from your chains and… I guess I am too. I struggle and writhe with frustration and anger, but there is no hope for me to escape. I will be stuck here forever… and ever… away from everything I—”

Gee-Gee’s narration was abruptly interrupted by a felled Nidoking, who requested to join rescue team HOT MILK. In response, Gee-Gee gave an apathetic “sure” before continuing her musing.

“My life at this point is little more than a grind, an arduous process of achieving metrics, but you… you just don’t see it that way, do you.”

“Exploring is fun!” Kippy-kun said in response.

“So is battling!” Mixter Flare replied

“Let’s do our best!” The partner Nidoking shouted abruptly as he joined up at the back of the party line.

“See, like I said. I try to take you children up to a higher level, and you just lower your rumps into your own poopy and talk about how good it smells. At least I can make fun of the shopkeepers, but in the dungeons… in the dungeons, it all feels so much worse. Everything is mechanically driven, everything is structured, and I cannot do anything other than move forward or leave. It sucks, the best catharsis I get here is yelling at all of you about how much it sucks. Because you care for me unconditionally, you will never hate me, even if I call you festering waste that ought to be exterminated from this vile Earth. Which is not actually true by the way. I would never get that angry at you. But I need to vent to someone. Because this is my life now! This is where I’m at! And this all happened because I wanted to play as a freaking Gardevoir…”

After saying that, while auto-ing their way through the dungeon, Gee-Gee was overcome with a sense of hunger, and brought a big apple to her mouth, where the apple vanished and her belly was filled.

“Man, I miss the taste of meat,” Gee-Gee dejectedly moaned as she continued her trek up to the next floor, where her attention darted to the map. Namely the yellow icon roaming throughout it.

Gee-Gee rapidly pitter-pattered her across the rocky terrain, making a bee-line through the corridors of the dungeon before reaching this figure. A Strong Foe. She reached to her violet bandana and replaced her current equipped item with the friend bow. An item that would boost her odds wildly if this foe did indeed glimmer with radiance as she had hoped. As the two wandered into a small square-shaped room, Gee-Gee was met with the sight of a strange quadrupedal slug creature confined to a most peculiarly shaped rock. Ordinarily, it was not a sight worthy of any meaningful response, but the rock was blue as opposed to the usual red. Meaning this creature, this Shuckle, was a shiny.

“Psybeam, mofo!” Gee-Gee shouted as her body fidgeted and a beam of light erupted from her cranium, darting diagonally across the room, until it hit Shuckle… and then the move repeated itself for good measure. From this impact, the shiny blue Shuckle crumbled and fell to the floor, only to rise up from the ground, with a valiant glimmer in their eyes.

“Golly gee willikers!” Shuckle shouted in a deep throaty voice. “Ya sure are a strong Pokémon. Can I join your rescue team to help you and get myself some o’ yer strength?”

“Yes yes yes yes yes! A quadrillion times yes to the Ys to the Y-S to da 15th powuh!” Gee-Gee shouted in an enthusiastic grunt.

A message then appeared in Gardevoir’s mind, declaring that Shuckle had joined up with her. Meaning that, assuming they all left the dungeon in one piece, Gee-Gee would have the opportunity to recruit them as a permanent member of rescue team HOT MILK.

“Hippy hippy hoorah! Gee-Gee found the Pokémon she was looking for!” Kippy-kun said, having just caught up with his friend.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of you venturing with a Shuckle though,” Mixter Flare observed. “And they are very low level compared to all of us. Do you plan on taking them to the dojo to train?”

“No,” Gee-Gee sternly replied, “they will stay at the camp. They will live at the camp. And they will die at the camp. That is their destiny. Ya got that, Shuckle?”

“Uh-huh,” the rock bug confirmed.

With the crew of the Nidoking, Flygon, Mudkip, and Shuckle all consolidated into a single room, Gee-Gee examined the UI placed throughout her vision once more. She was on floor 37, most of the way through this 50 floor dungeon. She knew there were rewards for clearing it fully, and while the thought of adding a few more evolution crystals to her collection was far from a valid incentive, she nevertheless resumed letting the game run its course, putting herself on auto mode, while occasionally expressing a modicum of will by attacking wandering foes. T’was the same as it always was, except they also had Shuckle trying to aid the merry crew with ineffective attacks that failed to deal any meaningful damage to any foe. Gee-Gee sighed at their display, remarking that, with their high defense stat, at least they were not in any imminent danger.

Following the recruitment of both a Donphan and Pupitar, Gee-Gee and her roaming conga line of allies made their way to the final floor, a reward room with 5 evolution crystals, 2 deluxe chests, and a TM for flame charge. Upon discarding excess berries on the floor to pick up these items, Gee-Gee and company made their way out of the dungeon, leaving this rocky mountain behind them as Gee-Gee was transferred to the results screen. She willed her way through the menus that occupied her vision, accepting her acquired loot, and dismissing all the allies who she recruited during this adventure, viewing the money she would get by dismissing them as more worthwhile than keeping any of them in camps. That is, with the exception of the shiny Shuckle, whom she accepted, sent off to Mt. Green, and nicknamed BootyDrank.

Once the prompts disappeared and the process ended, Gee-Gee and Kippy-kun appeared outside of the base, briefly declared that they did good work today, only for everything to fade to black once more. The next thing Gee-Gee knew was that she was laying on the stone floor once more, and had just awoken from a slumber. She sighed as she recognized her position, and wasted little time disabling the music blaring in from the background.

“It is nice to never be tired, but damn do I wish I could sleep— like actually sleep,” Gee-Gee monologued. “It is a simple desire, but no. Oh no. I don’t get such luxuries anymore. Ugh. This really would not be so bad if I at least got to choose what game I wanted to live in, because I sure as sugar would have chosen one with a better and less cyclical endgame. This really is not the world I would want to get lost in. Hell, this isn’t even the best Pokémon world to lose yourself in. It’s actually one of the worst, come to think of it. Sure, I get power, but there is no real variability in what I do. Every day it’s dungeons, dungeons, dungeons, and filling out an arbitrarily extended checklist. Everything is cleared, my collection is complete, and I even got a shiny Celebi. If I was in a mainline game, I could at least grind up some max IV Pokémon like I used to do when I was a little kid with too much free time, but no.”

“Though, I guess it doesn’t really matter. I, as a being, don’t really matter. I think, I feel, I am cognizant of the world around me, but I’m some schlub trapped inside a piece of dated software, with no hope of ever escaping. Or, at the very least, my other self— my human self has not updated me on matters beyond ‘you’re probably screwed’. I’m glad that part of me still lives on, that there is another Gee-Gee in the real world, but… goldarn does this suck.”

“All I can do is make the best of a bad situation and wait out my time— my existence— until it all just stopped. Until all files related to Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Rescue Team DX are erased from my computer and me along with it. Well, that is assuming I am even still part of that data. It is possible, however improbable, that I am truly in another world, and what I just described is merely a gateway. I cannot say for certain.”

As Gee-Gee continued to hem and haw about her life, venting and venting in hope for relief and satisfaction, she used her psychic capabilities on the sexual aid she was using the morning prior, a carefully constructed wooden stick, which she began to guide past her legs and into her crotch. Once in position, she accessed the menus in her mind’s eye and ree-enabled the background musical cue, using it as her theme of masturbation once more. For while she may be denied most pleasures she once knew from her time as a human, she could always play with herself.

Das Ende

Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Rescue Team DX is a rather… strange game when you stop and view it conceptually.  It centers around a human being, a player avatar, who has canonically been dislocated from their life as a human and thrust into both a new world and a new body.  Much of the game is about the protagonist/player insert trying to return home, and become a human again.  Yet, that never does happen. The protagonist never returns home, and they never become a human again.  They are a Pokémon now and forever, and they do the same thing day in, day out.

Now, this is all justified by in-game mechanics, and is not meant to be taken so literally… but as I got to the end of the game, I kept interpreting its world and mechanics more literally in an attempt to envision what it would be like to actually be in this world, with all of its video-gamey oddities.  Characters can eat apples in a single bite, regardless of their biology.  The party has access to a toolbox that’s bigger on the inside.  The dungeons are predictable block corridors, and in order to get from one area to the next, the game loads the environment, rather than showing the characters traveling halfway across the world map.  What would it be like for somebody to live in this world, with all of its limitations, for a very long amount of time?  As in several weeks. Well, that’s what I decided to explore with this story, offering a day in the life of some young woman who goes by Gee-Gee as she wallows through the endgame miasma, completely dejected by everything.

I had to fudge around and improvise with certain things when imagining what it would be like to live in this world, keeping a lot of the less clear mechanics, while replacing others with their more realistic equivalent. Such as allowing Pokémon to speak freely and react to the lines of others, rather than only having the ability to speak pre-determined sentences. Or giving the characters defined voices, rather than speaking through text boxes. A lot of mechanics in games are abstract when you stop and think about them, especially menus, but I tried to find a nice middle ground between something in-line to the vague spirit of being in a video game, and something bogged down with being a literal interpretation of game mechanics.

Oh, and as for why I made the protagonist a Gardevoir and had the story begin, and end, with cloaca-based masturbation? Well, that is an idea that came to me thinking about what somebody would, realistically, do if they became a Pokémon. My shattered mind immediately went to masturbation, and when I think of Pokémon and anything sexual, I think of the most sexualized Pokémon of all time, Gardevoir.

This mental image blossomed into this concept of a young woman who modified the ROM of Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Rescue Team DX in order to play as her favorite Pokémon, Gardevoir. But in doing so, she got sucked into the game for real… except she actually didn’t, and it just copied her consciousness. I thought about how to justify and explain this, came up with a few ideas, but ultimately left them undetailed, as the mystery around these details is probably more compelling than any reason I could pull out of my ass. But I wanted the character in the story to not be consumed by fear and dread over them losing their life and wracked with anxiety over getting out of this game, so I made them aware that they were indeed just a copy.

Why did I give her a cloaca though? Well, I used that term more casually. Obviously, Pokémon must have a hole they excrete waste from, and it would, most likely, be an erogenous zone. I mean, Pokémon are based on animals, and while the idea of visible genitalia goes against the core idea of Pokémon as a child-friendly paradise, there ain’t nobody getting their knickers in a twist about cloacas.

So, that is my general thought process put into this thing, but do I think I did a good job? Um… kinda? Honestly, this idea was really out there, and I was making up most of it as I went along. It’s a day in the life, and while that might not make the story that remarkable, I cannot think of a story structure that would be more appropriate.

Oh, and the name HOT MILK is a reference to Japanese hentai comic publication HOTMiLK. I thought the name was funny and decided to repurpose it here because why the heck not.

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