Rundown (8/10-8/16) School & Gamescom: The Circus of Ultimax Values

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0 Haganai Objectively This Is The BestWell, next week I’m starting school again, and I am honestly kinda bummed about that. Not because I dislike school or anything, as Highschool involved me going to classes with teachers I liked, doing homework in between, and then fucking off to write stuff for this very blog. It was great. But last year, when I began college, I was met with one okay semester, and one semester I remember nothing of, the one I remember nothing of, and learned nothing from, was my previous one. Oh, I did learn things, such as just because a person have a form of pedigree and are a novelist doesn’t mean they can’t be a disturbingly stupid person. Oh, and this semester I’m taking classes I’m taking for credits, and I know I will dislike the majority of the them with the other one being a class I can thankfully do with my sister, which should be kinda neat. So in conclusion, I would rather be in High School again, even if I had to get up at seven, and have started classes on August fifth. Just give me two days off so I may work at an office.

Gamescom time! I was working and getting my teeth cleaned by my dentist of 12+ years, so all my information from the conferences is secondhand, but that doesn’t mean I can’t recite the news for my own pleasure. Microsoft shot first, announcing this and that, but only two really stood out to me. First is that Rise of the Tomb Raider will be launching exclusively on Xbox One and Xbox 360 Holiday 2015. Now, this is odd for no fewer than 10 reasons, but the wording aspired much confusion, as many were unsure if it would be a permanent or timed exclusive, when it is the latter.. What will be exclusive, at least until a PC port arrives months later, is Scream Ride, a very cynical looking murder simulator where you play as an apathetic faceless machine who gets erections by causing murder. Y’know, for kids! Microsoft also talked about a few of the XBO’s internal features, but aside from some more Cuphead footage, I was thoroughly unimpressed.1 TDIAPT The Fuck Is this witchcraft hell nah flat screen plasma TVs

Going back to Square Enix for a bit, they also announced that they will be working with the makers of the geniusly titled Remember Me to create Life is Strange, a teen filled episodic adventure game about disappearing people for every non-Nintendo machine, which will very likely fail despite having some nifty concept art. Actually, the shown gameplay footage was remarkably poor in my opinion, featuring a teenage girl wandering through a house in a less than ideal manner with narration I found to be subparly written and performed even worse.2 Crowds Boo Hiss bad want better worse

Sony is where the real news came from, and I’ll just get some eye-catching trailers out of the way in the form of the lovely looking Rime and the not Dark Souls looking Bloodborne. (This is good news to me as unlike 99.9% of people on the internet, I did not enjoy Dark Souls, partially due to how I had no idea what I was doing, and because of how I am generally not very good at video games. I also was adamant about not using my materials, and grew spiteful toward the game after it shut a door I jumbled the save system around, blaming the creators for not noticing how one could do this, when it is very obvious to me. Hell, Rogue Legacy understood this… mostly!) However, the new stuff is what I paid attention to, and there was quite a bit.3 KLK Oblivious to the dangers around you die death doom gloom despair why are you so aloof you wacky mojo

Tomorrow Children is a game I certainly have difficulty wrapping my head around, although I likely stopped around the point where multiplayer soured this odd looking European indie game made by SCEE and Q Games. The Vanishing of Ethan Carter looks like Murdered: Soul Suspect, if it was not a game I would very likely have given a 2 if I was told to review it, if you removed the Ghost Trick that game definitely stole. Until Dawn, a former PS3 title is now coming to PS4, and I would describe it as any dime a dozen horror movie, but a videoed game… Yeah, I was originally very bitter towards it, but the demo and claimed branches only made this reek of David Cage. As for the highlight of the time they announced titles, Michel Ancel’s WiLD, a game about cavemen domesticating and murdering animals while still being a bit magical and cute, as I would be promptly pooping on it otherwise. 4 School Gays Sure That's neat keen cool zombie school girls or some shit diggah

All of which is exclusive to PS4, which is getting online co-op play with friends who do not own the game, and, as a sign that Sony has given up on their little handheld that could, Tearaway Unfolded, the HD remake and semi-sequel. This all amounts to a great half of an E3 conference in my book, but they also happened to have an E3 style zinger in the form of a released demo of a secret project that has been hinted at years ago, but is finally a reality.  Silent HIlls by Hideo Kojima and Guillermo Del Toro, coming exclusively to PS4. Truly the stuff of legends, as the only people who dare claim this is an awful move are those who deserve to be shoved out of a window to see if god wants them to live or not, with a 100% chance that she does not.5 Press Switch kill all stereotypes for the good of humanity gender sexism, racism, stupid liberal stuff

The same fate goes out to all the heavens who dare deny the objective superiority in the alteration of the gender of the playable character in the Zelda series, meaning all of Nintendo… wait, I think I farted that one up when I shoved it out of my noise hole… Point is, in a Hyrule Warriors Art Book, there was a series of sketches for a female Link, something I have… give me a minute, about 150 images of… There is likely a reason for this, but if Nintendo is really going to turn a blind eye for Zelda Wii U and not take the concept into consideration, the next big Zelda is definitely going to be doing just that… or the series is dead to the sexist pig that is me. Yet I will still play something like Metal Gear Solid, which only has male leads, but that is because the main character has substantial character and would not really work if you replace XY with XX. Oh, and part V of that delightful saga is, in fact, Steam bound! Now just port the HD collection and I will dance for you, you men with bodies shaped like geese.6 KLK You Better believe that's right twin birds of apathy nothing's gonna stop us sarcasm

I suppose that would be another way of claiming somebody is inhuman, which is exactly what one would need to be in order to explore every bit of No Man’s Sky, as the number of 4,000 in regards to years was tossed around, only to then be succeeded by several billion, if one explores a single planet every second. Just goes to show you how massive games can be if you build them in a certain way, which is not to say that every title- scratch that, any title should aim to be over a hundred hours long, which is my way of saying “No, you were looking so good, you nincompoop!” to Dragon Age Inquisition’s claimed 150 hour long “complete” playthrough. Oh, but that is not all I dislike BioWare doing this week, as Shadow Realms was properly revealed, as a story based… multiplayer modern fantasy title. At least it has goals sounding nice beyond the veil of yuck, but… no.7 Boku wa Mari no Naka Context sucks so you just be gross disgusting and awful man girl bear

I’ll also just say no to Geometry Wars 3: Dimensions, not because it looks bad, rather it is a ship I missed and is a dirty time trial based game, which is the number one cause of Cancer in first world countries. I will however prepare to throw money at Playism, Nyu Media, MangaGamer maybe even XSEED if they feel like doing it, or whoever is in that group of niche localizers and likes tiny games, when and if they bring over the many radical looking games shown of at this year’s Comiket, which look like really quality PSP or PS2 games I would enjoy purchasing for a reasonable price after they underwent quality translations that do not involve dubbing… ‘cos money.8 KLK Using Money As Bullets cash is being wasted why don't you stop it game industry

Money is what Crytek needs after they decided to make a MOBA, which just received its first proper trailer and boy does Arena of Fate look like crap. From a bland art direction, slow looking gameplay, and a terrible explanation of what the game is about while sporting zero unique qualities, I look forward to seeing the assholes in charge of this burning space train lose all their ill gotten millions. Millions Nintendo will pick right up with their first step into the water of the future, ‘cos they’re bringing Pokemon to iOS… in the form of the online trading card game, which will only be for tablets. Now just get to work on porting your backlog of games to the platform, as SNES games for $3 would still probably sell like crazy.9 Unknown_Hypnotic_Money_So_Odd_Cash

BRB, gonna go and get some food, play Cinders, and maybe edit some Terra 2052, not sure though, definitely not coming until the 23rd of September, sorry ’bout that dawg.

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