Fairly Messy Rant: Cartels, Robots, Gold, and Bum Kickin’

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Sigh, sometimes I just need to get things off my chest, so let’s have another FMR, shall we?  Just a few days ago, EA announced another that Visceral Games, the studio behind the Dead Space series, would create the next Army of Two game, Army of Two: Devil’s Cartel.  The game has not been given a single screenshot yet, but EA said it would be a “grittier” and more “realistic” take for the series, set in “The deadly streets of Mexico”.  It is set to release this upcoming March, alongside 25 other games.  And to me, this is another great example of one of the biggest problems in the industry.  If you want me to spiral down into what I think are some points worth reading, jump on in.  

For those who do not know, Mexico is currently undergoing a Drug War of sorts that has no real goal and is killing thousands every year.  I do not think that any mainstream media has talked about this subject that it a very real problem to this day.  But then, we got Call of Juarez: The Cartel.  I’ll give you the short version of how inaccurate, and just awful this game is at portraying the Drug War, but I’m just going to be butchering this video.  From getting a phrase that anyone can find within a minute, wrong.  Choking strippers, getting an achievement for killing all the enemies in the one stage where you only fight black people, and the flat out lie that Mexican drug dealers are trying to steal American women to sell in Mexico.  I can safely say that Call of Juarez: The Cartel is the worse game to release for major platforms, with the backing of a big name publisher.  I mean, what the hell we’re the guys at Techland thinking?  And I have not even gotten into how crap the actual game is, yet I am already boiled at how it shits on real events, that are still happening, and thousands are dying every year.  But no, let’s make a game about the evils of minorities.  

But now we have Army of Two, a game about two guys in skull masks going around killing blokes and fist-bumping.  I am all but certain that they will provide an accurate and realistic portrayal at taking down a one dimensional evil drug dealer.  Did I forget to mention that Visceral also made Dante’s Inferno?  A game which shat on an classic piece of literature, had a contest that asked gamers to take a picture of them sexually assaulting a booth babe, which is a terms that I loathe, due to how sexist and low brow it sounds.  Oh, and it even pissed off a Nanny organization, a freaking Nanny organization!  Then we have the paid protesters, who claimed that EA was Electronic-Antichrist… No, no, no,no, no!  Quite simply, fuck EA for this, this pandering shit that is boring as an actual game, cashing in on God of War III, only appealing to little kids who like it due to the blood and gore in it, which holds no artistic merit by itself.  I only ever played the demo of it, but I was bored of it before I could even finish it.  That alone should tell you just how mindless and boring the final product is.  

And that came out about 2.5 years ago, just long enough for the same team at Visceral to start up a new game, presumably with just as much grace and subtlety as they did 2.5 years ago.  This is something that games, and a lot of gamers need to learn, war is not fun, it is not glorious, and if you refuse to believe me, just go and join the military, you twat.  EA has been assaulted for pushing the medium back again, and again, and again.  But Using the Taliban in Medal of Honor was actually a very respectable move, the only one they made in recent memory.  Which is why they protected their reputation by pulling out after they got some controversy going for their uninspired game, that is getting a sequel with the subtitle of Warfighter… A game about war is getting the subtitle Warfighter, are you kidding me?  But if they do decide to market this new Army of Two title as a gritty, and “realistic portrayal about the evils of Mexico” I will hang my head in shame for enjoying game from the same publisher who made this attention hungry, artistically bankrupt, slog of a game.

Okay, what else can I get angry at?  Recently, Square-Enix announced that their upcoming MMORPG, Dragon Quest X, will be having the longest line of DLC of any game made thus far, with continued packs for the next 10 years.  I will admit that I am bias towards Dragon Quest X, since I would prefer to have Dragon Quest IX-2 for the 3DS.  But even if I was excited for another MMO, since we don’t have enough of the Fantasy RPG variety, announcing 10 years of DLC before you game even comes out, is just a very cocky move.  I realize that Dragon Quest is Japan’s equivalent of Call of Duty, but after Square-Enix bombed with FInal Fantasy XIV so hard that they had to destroy everything they made in order to make a sequel, I have to utilize some caution towards their MMO team.  Seriously, there are the London Blitz, and then there is what the US did to Japan, killing about 100,000 in one night.  

New topic!  I recall saying that if Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 would remove its stupid multiplayer campaign, and just focus on a introspective single player experience that is more like Spec Ops: The Line, I’d pick it up day one.  Oh, and they need to give it a new title, for I do not wish to be branded!  But an odd thing happened when I heard people talk about the title, and that is the ever present use of the word “stupid”.  Compared to the other gung-ho gun-wank mentality of reenacting the Cold War, a more believable war over minerals, using plausible technology specs, and even taking the Occupy protests into consideration, all seem to be pretty damn mature.  I mean, you have a writer from the Nolan Batman series, who was clearly given a lot more free reign than what he had in the predecessor, which was doomed to sucking, because it is about Vietnam, the most boring war I ever had to study.  But why would they find it to be stupid, is it the robots?  In which case, all of the child-like dreams of the future have been crushed, because these guys would throw rocks at the earliest robots made for human interaction.  Christ, no wonder we are falling behind, with people like this making up a good chunk of the population, it looks like the iPhone will be the last American creation worth a damn.  

Kickstarter has been a thing since the whole Double Fine fund, hasn’t it?  And while I have yet to partake in one, mostly due to my stupid lack of not getting into PC gaming from a young age.  But the sheer amount of games that are trying to get funded is a bit absurdly large.  I mean, I understand getting a sequel to Wasteland, since Fallout will no longer be a strategy game, but who asked for Bad Dudes 2?  Why the hell is there a new Great Giana Sisters title?  The first game only existed because Nintendo would not let anyone port Super Mario Bros. to the Commodore 64, and the second game was kind of boring, even though it looked very pretty.  But now we have an entirely new game, with a new mechanic, a light and dark world, which has only been done 84 times in the past decade, and a spin function, which is actually kinda neat.  But why is there an Android console?  What games will the Ouya have at launch?  Why is it a console, since everything that could go on it, could be used on a computer?  How will the secure exclusives by March 2013, let alone make several thousands of consoles, when the final build is not even ready yet?  And I do not mean to be rude, but a lot of these projects just look very bland.  I understand that you are starting out, but nobody will give you 10 or 15 dollars if your product does not look interesting at all.  Well, okay, there are a few bland looking projects that have done that, but nobody should!

And one last bit.  Nintendo, why did you troll us with New Super Mario Bros. 2?  Getting 1,000,000 coins is a tedious sounding task, so why bother doing it if you don’t get the character who should star this game, Wario?  I understand that you want to play it safe, but I do not care, I really want to see you and every console merge into one, and then Microsoft will eat you, so the Xbox 720 will be the super home entertainment device!  Because, all this fighting over consoles is getting very obnoxious, just like the debate over gay marriage, it has been over a year, they should be equals in every way, if not better by now.  The world tilts too damn slowly, and we could really just use a second New Deal, preferably during the next 100 days after the inauguration for the US president.

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